|
|
Jokes. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Chinese
sex. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
While in
China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and
does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes
one morning to find his penis covered with purple spots.
Horrified,
he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never
having seen anything like this before, orders some tests
and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor
says, "I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted
Mongolian VD.
It's very
rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about
it."
The man
looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot
or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor
answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to
have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a
second opinion."
The doctor
replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but
surgery is your only choice."
The next day
the man seeks out a Chinese doctor figuring that he'll
know more about the disease.
The Chinese
doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes,
Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."
The guy says
to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what
can we do?
My American
doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese
doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta,
always want to opelate.
Make more
money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank
God!" the man replies.
"Yes," says
the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off
by itself."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sex in the
Shower. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
In a recent survey, people from Liverpool, have proved to be the most
likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm "Brut", a whopping
86% of Liverpudlians said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison ... yet.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Scaredy Cat. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Two kids are
arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid said,
"My dad is so scared that, when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the
bed."
"Oh, yeah? That's
nothing," said the second kid. "My dad is so scared that, when my mom has
to work the night shift, he goes next door to sleep with Mrs. Jones!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
The Gravy
Ladle. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Heather invited her mother over for dinner. During
the meal, her
mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Heather's roommate
was.
She had long been suspicious of Heather's sexuality and this only
made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two women
interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Heather
and the roommate than met the eye. Reading her mom's thoughts,
Heather volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I
assure you, Suzy and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Suzy came to Heather and said, "Ever since
your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful
silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Heather said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just
to be sure." So she sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not
saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not
saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Heather received a letter from her mother
which read: "Dear Daughter, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep
with Suzy, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Suzy.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she
would have found the gravy ladle by now."
"Love - Mum"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Smile |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A woman pregnant with
triplets was walking down the street
when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in
the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets
in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy
daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into
the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16
years ago.
About a week later the
second daughter walked into the room in
tears.
"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother
told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay"
said the Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a
bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the
dog."
I KNOW YOU SMILED
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A golfer
Nun |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A nun walks into
the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh
heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the
Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with
your family."
"It was," sighed
the Sister." And I went to play golf with my brother. We try
to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a
talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall
that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of
recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it,"
snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in
vain today!!!
"Goodness, Sister!"
gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all
about it!!
"Well, we were on
the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother –540 yard
Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit
the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever
made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line
I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off
the tee!"
"Oh my!"
commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that
didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't
it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what
had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my
ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would
have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.
"But I didn't,
Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister.
"And I was so proud
of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign
from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the
squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his
paws!!
"So that's when you
cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't
it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk
started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the
ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from
the cup!"
The Mother Superior
sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed
the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the
fcuking putt, didn't you?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Confessional
(1) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A married Irishman went into the
confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well,
We got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
Over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
That.You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied,
"Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's
The same as putting it in!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Confessional
(2) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
There once was a religious
young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the
confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
Sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your
sins and be forgiven." The
Young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate
love to Me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and
then said,
"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked,
"Will this cleanse me of my
sins?" The priest said, "No,
But it will wipe that smile off of your face."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Confessional
(3) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish
countryside with only a pet dog for
Company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
And asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the
Poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
Animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
There's' no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for
The creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough
to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet
Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Confessional
(4) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation
Ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
Children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
Up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex
With each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody." |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Dey do
dat don't de doe. calm down!! (1)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
An Australian, an Irishman and
a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at
another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar,
and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until
suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over
a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts
the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly,
one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches
for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman
gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he
lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
"Back off, mate, I'm on
disability benefit.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Dey do
dat don't de doe. calm down!! (2) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A Scouser walked into the
local job centre, marched straight up to the
counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just
got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his
nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black
Mercedes and wear the uniform provided.
The hours are a bit long but
the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their
overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year".
The Scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"
The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Dey do
dat don't de doe. calm down!! (3) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Police cordoned off Liverpool
City Centre this morning when a
suspicious object was discovered. It later turned out to be a tax disc.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Dey do
dat don't de doe. calm down!! (4) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A Scouser walks into a bar in
Manchester dressed up in his new
Liverpool shirt effort and orders a drink before noticing a picture of Sir
Matt Busby on the wall.
He was just about to leave when the barman says: "Where do you think
you're going?"
The Scouser replies: "I'm sorry, I just noticed Matt Busby there and I
think I'd better leave,"
The barman says: "No no no. It's too late for that. You've got to roll the
dice Pal,"
The Scouser looks puzzled and says: "Roll the dice?"
The Barman replies: "Yeh. If you roll between 1 and 5 we kick the crap out
of you,"
The Scouser says: "What if I roll a 6?"
The barman replies: "You get another go."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Dey do
dat don't de doe. calm down!! (5) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A primary teacher explains to
her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool
fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The
teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you
raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan,
then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a
Man Utd fan?"
"Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a
Man Utd fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason
for you to be a Man Utd fan. You don't have to be just like your parents
all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug
addict, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Dey do
dat don't de doe. calm down!! (6) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth
fairy, an intelligent Liverpool supporter and
an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they
each spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course - the other 3 are mythical creatures.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Married
Bliss. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A couple had only been married
for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to
go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty
Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they
have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug
out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be
long.
I'll be right back I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres,
Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors
d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know there's swearing, dirty
words and all that.."
"You want dirty words, Cutie
Pie? ."LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN
BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN' HORS D'OEUVRES. BECAUSE
YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A F*CKIN'
BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER...GOT IT, AS*HOLE?"
and, they lived happily ever after.
Now, isn't that a sweet story? |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Why I
fired my Secretary. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Last week was my
birthday and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my
wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a
small present for me.
As it turned out, she
barely said good morning,
let alone " Happy
Birthday."
I thought... Well,
that's marriage for you,
but the kids.... They
will remember.
My kids came bounding
down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat
despondent.
As I walked into my
office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until
one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You
know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go
out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"
We went
to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead
a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I
enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the
office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We
don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"
I responded, "I guess
not. What do you have in mind ?" She said,
"Let's drop by my
apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her
apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm
going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously
replied.
She went into the
bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens
of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Answers
of the Year. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
No:
6 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are
my choices?" John asked.... "Yes or no," she replied.
No: 5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
No: 4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy
replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
No: 3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the
cop said.
The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
No: 2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up
that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is
right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed
up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop
gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his
hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was
delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death
in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would
you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and
sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Irish
Joke 1. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Paddy the
Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed
someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also
Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the
sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in
to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him
over".
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't
Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town,
folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Irish Joke 2. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mick was
in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with
beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The judge
continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with
a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*stard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and
said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime,
but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge
you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years
I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a
*****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Irish
Joke 3. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A man
walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his
shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks
in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why
do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of
my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home." ! |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Irish
Joke 4. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A young
man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get
married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends
in addition to my fiancée and you try and guess which one I'm going to
marry".
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them
down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"
"I don't like her."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Irish
Joke 5. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Five
Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy
the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a
Quattro, Quattro means four"
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five
persons.""
You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You
have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.
"The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I
want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bragging. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Jimmy had
married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but
the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the
dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third
man had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her
that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said
the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he
could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to
eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
God bless Scottish women!!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Geography. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN.
Between 18 and 20
a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful
with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30
a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade
especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35
she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own
beauty.
Between 36 and 40
a woman is like France. Gently ageing but still a warm and desirable
place to visit.
Between 41and 50
she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive
reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60,
she is like Russia, very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid
climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70,
a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but
alas, no future.
After 70,
they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is, but no one
wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 70
a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Short
Funny. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A woman in her fifties is at home happily
jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and
asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter
with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed
and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a
mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have
the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband replies, "What did he say
about your 56-year old arse?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
There
were two nuns..
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical
(SM)
,
and the other one was known as Sister Logical
(SL)
.
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM:
Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL:
It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM:
Oh, no! At
this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL:
The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM:
It's not working.
SL:
Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM
: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL:
The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man
decided to follow
Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical
arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to
Sister Logical
.
Then
Sister Logical
arrives.
SM:
Sister Logical
! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL
: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM
: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL
: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM
: And?
SL
: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM
: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL
: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.
SM
: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL
: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.
SM:
Oh, no! What happened then?
SL
: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.
And for those
of you who thought it would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys!
|
|
|
|
The
Bathtub Test. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?" |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Being
British. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Being British is about
driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, the! n
travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on
Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all?
Suspicion of anything foreign.
Oh and......Only in Britain... can a
pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make
sick people walk all the way
to the back of the shop to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order
double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both
doors open and chain the pens
Only in Britain... do we leave cars
worth thousands of pounds on the
drive
and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we use answer!
ring machines to screen calls and
then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.
Only in
Britain... are there disabled parking
places in front of a skating rink.
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v
battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 2005 by not
removing all pins from new
58 Brits are injured each year by using
sharp knives instead of
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering
their Christmas tree while
the
fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years
believing that Christmas
decorations
were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms
last year after cracker
pulling
accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken
parts of plastic toys pulled
out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2005 trying
on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E
in the last two years after
opening bottles of beer with
their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in
accidents involving out of Control
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull
whilst throwing up into the
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Father-to-son Talk. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
"Mom? I've got a question. The guys at school are using words I don't
understand."
"What words, dear?"
"Pussy and bitch."
Mom inhaled sharply, but then said, "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat,
like our little Mittens. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy."
"Thanks, Mom."
He then found his Dad out in the garage.
"Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."
"What words, son?"
"Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right
meaning."
Dad said, "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead.
Let me explain it like this ..." He pulled a Playboy from his workbench,
turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said,
"Son, everything inside the circle is pussy."
"Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?"
Dad replied, "Everything outside the circle!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Wallyworld Greeter! |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A very dishevelled, unattractive, profoundly obese, smelly, mean acting,
nasty in EVERY sense of the word, woman, walks into Wallyworld with her
two kids in tow.
As she grabs a cart, the Wal-Mart Greeter, asks, "Are they twins"?
"No," the woman snarls, "the oldest one, he's nine, and, the younger one,
she's seven. Why, do you think they really look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
So True! |
|
|
|
|
|
|
x |
A highly successful Human
Resources Manager was tragically knocked down by a bus and was killed. Her
soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter welcomed her.
"Before you get settled in" he said, "We have a little problem...you see,
we're never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and
we're not really sure what to do with you."
"Oh, I see," said the woman, "Can't you just let me in?"
"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "But I have higher orders. We're
instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you
are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity."
"Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the
downward bound elevator. As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto
a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her
were many friends... past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy,
and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they
talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards
went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster
dinner.
She met the Devil (who was
actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and
dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand
and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back
up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp
and singing... which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell. At the
day's end St. Peter returned.
"So," he said, "You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in
heaven".
"You must choose between the two."
The woman thought for a second and replied,
"Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in
hell". "I choose hell."
Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back
down to hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil
approached and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and
there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced
and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just a dirty
wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, " Yesterday we were recruiting
you, today you're staff." |
|
|
x |
|
|
|
x |
Never
Argue with a Woman |
|
|
x |
|
|
|
x |
One morning
the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a
nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take
the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her
book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're
in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but
I'm
not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all
I
know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you
up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true,
but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment."
"Have a nice
day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.
|
|
|
x |
|
|
|
x |
Rabbit
Joke |
|
|
x |
A rabbit walks into a pub
and says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie?" The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a
Ham and Cheese Toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the Toastie,
he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer
and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and
the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit
the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of
beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as
the barman gives the rabbit his pint and Toastie and then burst into
applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been
laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more
money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and
says,"A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling
and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry
rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of Ham and Cheese
Toasties."
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened almost to a whisper, when
the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice
Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are
you sure I will like it?" The masses held their collective breath in
ear-shattering silence. The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Do you
think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love
it".
"OK," says
the rabbit, "I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie." The
pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the Toastie,
he then waves to the crowd and leaves....
.NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
A year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has
only served four drinks tonight, three of which were his) calls time. When
he is cleaning down the now-empty bar, he sees a small white form,
floating above the bar.
The barman says, "Who are you?"
To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to
frequent your public house."
The barman
says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night
and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses of people
came to see you and this place was famous."
The rabbit says, "Yes I know."
The barman
said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese
Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead."
The rabbit said, "Yes, you promised me that I would love it."
The barman
said, "You never came back, what happened?"
"I died", said the Rabbit.
"No!" said the barman, "of what?"
After a short pause, the rabbit said..."Mixin'-me-toasties!"
|
|
|
x |
|
|
|
x |
Hanging
Baskets. |
|
|
x |
|
|
|
x |
A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra.
Her grandmother just
pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells
her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You
gotta
let your rose buds
show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager
comes down stairs, and the grandmother is
sitting there with no top
on. The teenager wants to die. |
